chippedsoul | The Journal [Inbox]

[ Ah… inventory—decorations, maybe some menu ideas? Fliers? Advertisements?

Idly, she pulls out a notebook that had been hidden away in the pink sweater that is indeed just a size too big for her. If she is honest, though, she didn’t quite think it was that notebook. She licks the fingertip of her pointer finger to more easily flip through it, and first finds "Kazuma's secret recipe," from the first meal they made together in Reverein. From there, she remembers the rest.

Abruptly, she shuts the notebook. It is only a knee-jerk reaction, but the irony of wanting Kazuma to be forthcoming with something he is hiding, while simultaneously hiding something from him herself is not lost on her.

Oops. ]

[He's not one to look into someone's personal, but he just happened a glance at the right time, the wrong time? And saw one of the pages full of writing. She's quick to shut her book before he could fully see the details though, more curious by the strange behavior from Susato.]

Everything all right...? [Something in that book she realized was not meant for him to see?]

Oh, yes. Sorry. I was... just a bit startled. [ Susato offers a small smile. She can't decide whether this is some kind of sign, whether she should push forward or maybe back off, but she feels as if she's backed off enough.

Gently, she opens the book again. ]

After all, these are the notes I was compiling about... you.

[At first, he was confused, but then...thinking back on everything he did and his reluctance to really talk about it, of course she would. So his reaction is neither that of anger or fear, just...a knowing smile, if a tired one.]

I'm rather frustrating to deal with, aren't I?

[ Oh. He... took that rather well. She doesn't quite know how to answer right away, but the smile she flashes in return seems to say either "What do you think?" or "Gods, yes." ]

Well, I wouldn't do it if you weren't worth it, now would I? [ Duh. Susato just... leaves her notes open, though he doesn't have to look at it if he doesn't want to. ] Most of it probably only makes sense to me. I just... wanted to understand.

What you weren't telling me, and why.

[He leans back in his seat, crossing his arms.] Well, what deep dark details have you gathered about me?

[Why snoop on her notes when she can tell him herself? Better to convey her feelings, how serious she took this.]

[ Oh, she would show him how serious. And she wouldn't need her notes for that either, considering she has already carried the weight of what's in them for two weeks already--if not longer. Still, as confident as she appears or wants to be, it doesn't change the fact that she is just a girl who wants to be closer to her brother.

Her nerves tingle and dance like Mr Sholmes during one of his deductions, and she realizes that--if she could just draw her inspiration from there, maybe she could get him to open up. ]

I don't know that it's about what I have gathered, but rather, what I've noticed. Because I know you, Kazuma-sama. I know how you carry yourself, and it is probably how I saw so quickly that you were behind the mask as Lord van Zieks' disciple.

[ She pauses for breath, which is slightly shaky, but nothing she can't recover from. ]

From the first time we spoke, about your father, and when I showed you what was in the Karuma... I could already sense you were shutting me out. Like I was too late somehow, though I wouldn't come to understand why until later.

At first, I thought it had something to with your transformation into a noctaere, but there was something else to it. Something else you feared even more than that. A fear I first saw when... you brought up Inspector Gregson with me.

[Sadly, Kazuma as the subject of the dance of deduction is not as dramatic when caught in the act. There's a slight clench of his arm as the only indication she's getting somewhere.]

Is that so...? What is this fear you claim that I have?

Well... you wanted me to know that you never intended to kill him, even though you acknowledged that you probably told me already. Which you did, of course. [ Whether he is obvious about it or not, she still notices the clench of his arm. Don't just see, observe. She doesn't know what it means, but she has to press on believing she is going in the right direction, with no one to course-correct her. ]

But then--when I told you I probably could have figured out as much either way, that was when I could feel it. You could barely look at me, and you said... that if anything had happened, murder would still be murder, no matter what. And I freely admit, up until my time in Reverein, I would have readily agreed with you, but...now...

I wonder if things are always so black and white.

...Are you reconsidering because of a possibility you've come to realize? For my sake? [He's not going to straight up tell her, he wants to hear it from Susato what she thinks he's actually done.]

... [ No, of course he wouldn't. He is going to make her earn it, it seems, but at the very least, she feels prepared for it. Her notes are a comfort in that regard; her voice is firm and unwavering. ] Yes. I am.

[ She takes a pause for a shaky breath, because it doesn't matter how confident she is, this isn't an easy topic to breach by any stretch of the imagination. ]

It was... something that 76 told me while we were in the forest. Call it a moment of weakness if you like, but I... confessed to him that I thought you were hiding something. I didn't expect that he'd actually tell me, mind, but... he did tell me about how he got you back, that day you went after Lord van Zieks. About how he had to remind you that he cared for you, no matter what you'd done, that it didn't matter if you didn't think you deserved it. You had that.

And he thought father and I might have to do the same thing.

After that, I... I think it started to sink in. The short list of things that would make a proud and honorable man like you feel that much shame... combined with the voice that kept trying to tell me I was too late. [ ...His voice. ]

...You... [ It's so difficult to keep her voice even. Even years of practice hardly prepared her for this, but she pushes through. ] You've... already done it, haven't you?

You came close with Inspector Gregson, but now, you've actually taken someone's life.

[He takes a deep breath, as she gets closer to the truth. His arms rest on his legs, gripping at his knees.] Several. [He glances down at the fireplace. It feels cold somehow around him]

I've taken several lives with my own hands. [It was not a one time incident, he wanted to be clear about that. All the more reason he really didn't want Susato to know about it.]

[ Several. Susato's breath catches, because clearly, even though she had figured out so much, she hadn't been expecting that. She swallows, then nods quietly in understanding as she processes the information. ]

I... both understand completely, because it explains so much, and I understand nothing at the same time. [ Is that... weird? Funny? It's absolutely not funny, why is there a part of her that feels a nervous laughter bubbling quietly below the surface...? Wishful thinking, perhaps? ]

Because... that still isn't the full story. [ Can't be. ]

[His tail curls, feeling discomfort as Susato takes in what little information he offers. He shakes his head.]

What does it matter? The outcome doesn't change.

[ This is cruel. The crippling guilt of seeing him this way is almost enough for her to relent, but as guilty as she feels, she knows he is feeling it that much worse, and for far longer. ]

You're right. It doesn't matter to me. [ But not because of any outcome that can't be changed. ] Because in all my life, I can't remember a time when I didn't look up to you, Kazuma-sama, and quite honestly--there is nothing you could tell me now that would change that.

[ The please goes unsaid, but hangs thick in the air. ]

Edited 2021-12-26 16:50 (UTC)

[A quiet uneasy laugh escapes him.]

You'd still admire a murderer, hm? [Do you hear yourself, Susato?] I'm not who you though I was, even before all this. [He feels the self from home, the one she knew would have also made that same indication.]

[ Susato shakes her head. He was not going to dismiss her just like that, not after she'd come this far. ]

I admire you for all that you are. [ Which she knows is more than that, even if it it doesn't feel like it to him. ] Then, now and forever.

I...

[For as long as they've been together, Kazuma is still struggling to believe in what she was saying. Was she just trying to make him feel better? Then again, he never quite open himself to even his closest friends. There was always a part of him that wanted keep a certain amount of distance from everyone.

He shakes his head.]

I know you can do much better. Take Ryunosuke for examplke. Despite his shortcomings, he's certainly come a long way. An honest man you could truly learn from, from each other. [He sort of missed that she hadn't finished talking.]

[ Dear Gods, the one time she actually wanted Kazuma to shut up. For a moment, she does consider Ryunosuke, and what he might say to Kazuma at this moment. She’d like to think Ryunosuke would back her up on this, but it’s just Susato alone, and her feelings have never been clearer.

He wants a reminder? She’ll give him a reminder. ]

...I love you.

[ The flames of the fireplace, which may have felt colder up until then, flare with life. It’s unclear whether Susato notices… did she cause it, even? Either way, she appears far too calm for that.

In the next moment, she closes her notebook with all her Kazuma notes, and without another word, she tosses it into the fire. ]

[BUT RYUNOSUKE IS A BETTER PERSON?] -What?

[He blinks, not sure if he actually caught what she said. In the next moment, she's tossed the book with those notes about him into the fire. She hardly did anything, but the last few seconds felt like everything happened. He just stares at her, bewildered, but actually looking at her for once.]

[ BETTER AT WHAT??? TONGUE TWISTERS????? That may as well have been his answer for how relevant it was. And trust, she treasured Ryunosuke and her Baker Street family dearly.

Now she has his attention. Whether it was what she said or what she did, it's hard to tell. Clearly she could have timed that better, but once she got the idea in her head, she didn't want to give herself a chance to waver. ]

I love you. [ She can say it Japanese, and probably several other languages if he prefers. ] Even if you don't think I should anymore, you don't get to make that decision.

...And if you were at all concerned I might tell someone, well... now you can worry less.

[NOT BEING A KILLER.

She says it again, no way for him to have miss it this time. A part of him still wanted to fight her, keep her safe and out of this. But the finality in her voice, says she's never going to budge from her decision. He lets out some air he had apparently been holding.]

I wasn't concerned about that. [He can at least trust her to keep her word. He gets up from his seat, moving to stand in front of her. A grim expression on his face.] Even if I take another life, you'll still stand by my side?

[ Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that she would stand by side, to ensure he would never have to take another life, ever again. At least, that is what she wants, desperately, but it feels too childish, too optimistic to say out loud. All she can do is smile up at him when he approaches, hoping the 'yes' is obvious as it feels. ]

It was always meant to be you and me, from the very beginning. [ Perhaps it was fate that has given them a second chance here in Reverein, but that feels too childish to say, too. ] But in order for me to stand by your side, you must also stand by mine.

[ In other words, he needs to stop trying to shelter her so much and start trusting her instead. Is he ready to do that? She stands too now, rising to his level as much has her height allows. ]

. . . [Since the very beginning, it was just the two of them. He had forgotten after being on his own for so long, gotten used to it, seeing his friends flourish. Just didn't seem right of him to just interfere, especially when they've gotten so far on their own.

But that didn't mean there wasn't room for him. He should have gotten that when Susato went out of her way to find him the way he was last month. So what is his response? Well, nothing verbally, he just leans forward to rest his head against her shoulder. Maybe it was his way of giving in, maybe exhaustion caught up with him. Maybe it's both.]

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