chippedsoul | The Journal [Inbox]

...Are you reconsidering because of a possibility you've come to realize? For my sake? [He's not going to straight up tell her, he wants to hear it from Susato what she thinks he's actually done.]

... [ No, of course he wouldn't. He is going to make her earn it, it seems, but at the very least, she feels prepared for it. Her notes are a comfort in that regard; her voice is firm and unwavering. ] Yes. I am.

[ She takes a pause for a shaky breath, because it doesn't matter how confident she is, this isn't an easy topic to breach by any stretch of the imagination. ]

It was... something that 76 told me while we were in the forest. Call it a moment of weakness if you like, but I... confessed to him that I thought you were hiding something. I didn't expect that he'd actually tell me, mind, but... he did tell me about how he got you back, that day you went after Lord van Zieks. About how he had to remind you that he cared for you, no matter what you'd done, that it didn't matter if you didn't think you deserved it. You had that.

And he thought father and I might have to do the same thing.

After that, I... I think it started to sink in. The short list of things that would make a proud and honorable man like you feel that much shame... combined with the voice that kept trying to tell me I was too late. [ ...His voice. ]

...You... [ It's so difficult to keep her voice even. Even years of practice hardly prepared her for this, but she pushes through. ] You've... already done it, haven't you?

You came close with Inspector Gregson, but now, you've actually taken someone's life.

[He takes a deep breath, as she gets closer to the truth. His arms rest on his legs, gripping at his knees.] Several. [He glances down at the fireplace. It feels cold somehow around him]

I've taken several lives with my own hands. [It was not a one time incident, he wanted to be clear about that. All the more reason he really didn't want Susato to know about it.]

[ Several. Susato's breath catches, because clearly, even though she had figured out so much, she hadn't been expecting that. She swallows, then nods quietly in understanding as she processes the information. ]

I... both understand completely, because it explains so much, and I understand nothing at the same time. [ Is that... weird? Funny? It's absolutely not funny, why is there a part of her that feels a nervous laughter bubbling quietly below the surface...? Wishful thinking, perhaps? ]

Because... that still isn't the full story. [ Can't be. ]

[His tail curls, feeling discomfort as Susato takes in what little information he offers. He shakes his head.]

What does it matter? The outcome doesn't change.

[ This is cruel. The crippling guilt of seeing him this way is almost enough for her to relent, but as guilty as she feels, she knows he is feeling it that much worse, and for far longer. ]

You're right. It doesn't matter to me. [ But not because of any outcome that can't be changed. ] Because in all my life, I can't remember a time when I didn't look up to you, Kazuma-sama, and quite honestly--there is nothing you could tell me now that would change that.

[ The please goes unsaid, but hangs thick in the air. ]

Edited 2021-12-26 16:50 (UTC)

[A quiet uneasy laugh escapes him.]

You'd still admire a murderer, hm? [Do you hear yourself, Susato?] I'm not who you though I was, even before all this. [He feels the self from home, the one she knew would have also made that same indication.]

[ Susato shakes her head. He was not going to dismiss her just like that, not after she'd come this far. ]

I admire you for all that you are. [ Which she knows is more than that, even if it it doesn't feel like it to him. ] Then, now and forever.

I...

[For as long as they've been together, Kazuma is still struggling to believe in what she was saying. Was she just trying to make him feel better? Then again, he never quite open himself to even his closest friends. There was always a part of him that wanted keep a certain amount of distance from everyone.

He shakes his head.]

I know you can do much better. Take Ryunosuke for examplke. Despite his shortcomings, he's certainly come a long way. An honest man you could truly learn from, from each other. [He sort of missed that she hadn't finished talking.]

[ Dear Gods, the one time she actually wanted Kazuma to shut up. For a moment, she does consider Ryunosuke, and what he might say to Kazuma at this moment. She’d like to think Ryunosuke would back her up on this, but it’s just Susato alone, and her feelings have never been clearer.

He wants a reminder? She’ll give him a reminder. ]

...I love you.

[ The flames of the fireplace, which may have felt colder up until then, flare with life. It’s unclear whether Susato notices… did she cause it, even? Either way, she appears far too calm for that.

In the next moment, she closes her notebook with all her Kazuma notes, and without another word, she tosses it into the fire. ]

[BUT RYUNOSUKE IS A BETTER PERSON?] -What?

[He blinks, not sure if he actually caught what she said. In the next moment, she's tossed the book with those notes about him into the fire. She hardly did anything, but the last few seconds felt like everything happened. He just stares at her, bewildered, but actually looking at her for once.]

[ BETTER AT WHAT??? TONGUE TWISTERS????? That may as well have been his answer for how relevant it was. And trust, she treasured Ryunosuke and her Baker Street family dearly.

Now she has his attention. Whether it was what she said or what she did, it's hard to tell. Clearly she could have timed that better, but once she got the idea in her head, she didn't want to give herself a chance to waver. ]

I love you. [ She can say it Japanese, and probably several other languages if he prefers. ] Even if you don't think I should anymore, you don't get to make that decision.

...And if you were at all concerned I might tell someone, well... now you can worry less.

[NOT BEING A KILLER.

She says it again, no way for him to have miss it this time. A part of him still wanted to fight her, keep her safe and out of this. But the finality in her voice, says she's never going to budge from her decision. He lets out some air he had apparently been holding.]

I wasn't concerned about that. [He can at least trust her to keep her word. He gets up from his seat, moving to stand in front of her. A grim expression on his face.] Even if I take another life, you'll still stand by my side?

[ Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that she would stand by side, to ensure he would never have to take another life, ever again. At least, that is what she wants, desperately, but it feels too childish, too optimistic to say out loud. All she can do is smile up at him when he approaches, hoping the 'yes' is obvious as it feels. ]

It was always meant to be you and me, from the very beginning. [ Perhaps it was fate that has given them a second chance here in Reverein, but that feels too childish to say, too. ] But in order for me to stand by your side, you must also stand by mine.

[ In other words, he needs to stop trying to shelter her so much and start trusting her instead. Is he ready to do that? She stands too now, rising to his level as much has her height allows. ]

. . . [Since the very beginning, it was just the two of them. He had forgotten after being on his own for so long, gotten used to it, seeing his friends flourish. Just didn't seem right of him to just interfere, especially when they've gotten so far on their own.

But that didn't mean there wasn't room for him. He should have gotten that when Susato went out of her way to find him the way he was last month. So what is his response? Well, nothing verbally, he just leans forward to rest his head against her shoulder. Maybe it was his way of giving in, maybe exhaustion caught up with him. Maybe it's both.]

...!

[ For a moment, Susato is legitimately concerned that he had fainted. Being afraid her weight wouldn't support him, she'd come dangerously close to a misstep, but she catches herself in time, thus catching him as well. Luck was on her side that her legs didn't melt right underneath her in that moment. She lets out a quiet gasp, but it quickly became a breath of relief as everything falls into place. ]

[ For a while, she can't bring herself to say anything. She feels like she's on the verge of tears, and she doesn't want to ruin this moment she worked so hard for. She just closes her eyes, taking in the scent of the comforting warm breeze emanating from Kazuma as she holds him close.

There is still something missing, of course. Answers only he can give.

But for now, her burning curiosity will just have to wait. ]

[No fainting, just...taking in being in someone's embrace. Susato's. Even his hands were hesitant to return the embrace, just lightly pressing against her back. It still doesn't feel like he earned this, should allow it, but he's trying. Just to spread the burden instead of holding onto it all himself.]

...It's getting late. [He mutters quietly.] If you want to stay over for just tonight, you may.

[ ...It was already late when she came over, she knew. She was slowly developing a taste for night life, ever since that forest outing last month. While she would have had no trouble walking home, she'd like to think his invitation meant he wanted her to stay... that he wanted her company, which is always a nice feeling. ]

I shall cook breakfast... as I assume it is still the easiest way to get you up in the morning.

[ Some things never change. ]

We have some work ahead of us.

Heh. You speak as if I share the same poor sleeping habits as Ryunosuke. [He slowly lifts his head. There's a tired expression, but he manages a small smile.]

My apologies, for asking you to have some patience with me.

[ Because he would know all about Ryunosuke's sleeping habits, wouldn't he...? Psh. As if she doesn't, after living with him for so long. Regardless, the tired expression earns him sympathy, and a matching smile. ]

...My apologies also. Perhaps if I had been patient, I could have gleaned the information more delicately. But... something told me "straight talking" would be more effective.

[ Gosh. Wonder where she heard that term used before? ]

It was worth it... in any case. I don't regret it for a moment.

[He tilts his head. Straight talking huh? That gets a chuckle.]

I do respond better when people confront me on things. [And yet he still skirts around details himself.]

I suppose I was only delaying the inevitable, trying to hide things from you. I'll do better to try and tell you about things. [He still isn't certain about this, but he does feel better having one less secret weighing him down. He takes a step back, a hand sliding down her shoulder, down her arm to hold her wrist.] Shall I show you to the guest room then...? There's not much to it, but it'll do for the night.

[ And yet... he has yet to tell her the most important part. Perhaps that was her fault, though; she should have pressed him when she had the momentum. Either way, she knows he isn't the type to make excuses for his actions, which were already weighing on him quite a bit... so perhaps the progress they have made is enough. For now.

He did ask for patience, after all.

She feels his hand slide down to her wrist, and for a moment she enjoyed briefly feeling like she was seven again, being guided by him. Then she twists her hand over slightly, so that she can hold his. ]

Thank you. [ For vowing to try, mainly, but...the room. Yeah. ] It will do just fine. I don't want you to worry about me.

Well, that isn't fair. How come you can worry about me and I not you, hm? [He's teasing of course, which probably means he's in better spirits to be able to do so.]

No need for thanks. You did take the time out to come see me afterall. [He'll go ahead and guide her to the guest room.]

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